He married you. Be that girl. Remind him. 

I bent over, let my head hang, tousled my own hair to add some volume, flipped back up to face the mirror. Okay, okay. Slap and pinch my own cheeks a little. 

Demetrius told me he wanted to talk to me. That’s progress, right? He took some stuff and left and hadn’t faced me in a little over two weeks. Wanted to talk to me. That’s good. Good. I want to talk to you to. 

Some life events shouldn’t occur over texts, you know? I’d never get married through texts. Just look me in the eyes. Just remember. Me. It’s me. I’m a person you know well. Not perfect, but a good person. 

Talk. Yeah, let’s talk. 

I hadn’t been eating much. Food didn’t taste good without him. I pulled and tugged on my short stretchy black dress. It fit well, especially now. Butt looks good. Flat tummy again. Pull the girls up. Hip bones prominent. I didn’t have love handles anymore. Smooth it everywhere. Miss this?

Smile. Just smile and be at peace. Don’t cry. Don’t be mad. Don’t give him any reason to feel good about his decisions these two weeks. Remind him why he loves you, loves being home with you. But…not too excited. Just be normal.

 I hear his truck. My heart is pounding. What…what would I be doing right now? I had told the girls to go to their rooms because he was coming over to talk. 

I flopped on the couch and clicked the TV on. I would never be sitting here watching TV alone, but…I didn’t know how else to stage myself.

I hear the door in the back open, hear him climb the stairs. Such a simple sequence of events that you get used to. You just assume a husband will continue to come home. Until…he stops. You don’t know how that feels until…you know how that feels. And you feel it. And you feel it.

“Hey!” I clicked the tv off and hopped up to give him a hug. I got the lean-in, awkward back pat. The we-don’t-know-each-other, quickly brush my arms off him, step back. 

Ew, gross. I don’t want this kind of hug either. Don’t flatter yourself. 

“Hey. I only came for one reason. I just need you to look over these papers and make sure everything is correct. I went to see my lawyer on my lunch break.” His voice sounds apologetic. Don’t pity me, asshole. Your lawyer? You don’t have a lawyer. I take the papers. No, Emily don’t be mad. Just be pretty and sweet. 

I don’t really remember reading them. But somehow your eyes know facts that your brain can’t think. 

“That’s not the day we separated. You left on a Monday. It was Sept 22.” My mouth said words. 

We, in fact, didn’t separate. You left me. That’s how it went. I even wrapped myself around you begging you not to. Like that. I made you carry me across the house and peel me off of you. Like that. That’s not on your paper here. 

“Okay. Well I can have my lawyer fix that tomorrow when I file. I was just going to give you this copy to look over.” Stop saying that. Your lawyer. Your lawyer can’t fix…anything. 

You don’t want to talk to me. You want to hand me words on paper. I have words too. And this paper…says nothing to me about my life, my story.

“Tomorrow? No, Demetrius. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow is October 7. Tomorrow is Clara’s first birthday. Go any other day. Please.” I remember delivering her in this house one year ago exactly. Our precious Clara, half Demetrius and half me. Not tomorrow. 

“It’s not the date it will be final, Emily. It’s just the day I’m filing.” Don’t attempt to placate me. Angry or pathetic…I guess those are my only two mood choices. Breeeathe. 

And I am back to–this doesn’t add up. My faults, our arguments…none of it is that bad. I can’t be sweet. But I can be bold. I’m so tired of being pathetic. I am a glowing sun. No more rain. 

“Look at me.” He can’t. “No, Demetrius. I’m serious. Look at me.” There is no courage in his eyes. I know. I can tell. I know. I know. I die a little inside. I know. 

“What?” He raises his eyebrows, lowers his eyes, his eyes can’t look. He knows I know. 

“You do what you have to do. But I do have a few things to say to you, and the least you can do is look your wife in the eye and hear them.” I am a lot of things. But not a coward. To a fault, I am full of courage, full of it. He looks.

“Whoever she is, Demetrius. Whoever she is…she doesn’t love you. She is destruction. You need to hear that. You need to know it. That’s what you are choosing–to leave love for…not love. You are choosing destruction.” He is visibly uncomfortable. I am pouring acid in his ear. 

“Emily, there’s no one-”

“Stop. Just…save your lies. Hear me out.” I am Menelaus. Bring me Paris. Let’s see that fight. 

“Emily, I’m not going to sit here and listen to these ridiculous accusations.” Liar words.

“Would she die for you? Because I would. I wouldn’t even hesitate to save you instead of myself. Push you to safety and get hit by a car for you. Take a bullet. You know I would.” I shake my head. I’m not good with defeat.

His eyes show some pain, and I have the smallest glimmer of hope. His heart isn’t completely dead to me. I just can’t really reach it. I would say anything to reach it again. He just wants away from me. I am talking under water. More like under mud. 

“We don’t have to do this. Maybe life with me is just a little too real. But she’s not real. Whatever you have with her. It’s exciting and it’s fun. But…it’s not real. I’m real. Me. This marriage is real. You need a spotlight shone on this. Secrets seem so thrilling in the dark. Bring them out in the light, and you just might see them for what they are.” He didn’t care. 

He just sat there. With his papers.

  
 

Right after Clara was born at home.
  
Clara, a few days old
  
Clara, the day before her first birthday
  
 

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35 thoughts on “Whoever she is

    1. He did. And here I am…still okay. It is a sad story, and I decided to tell it. It was 18 months ago. I spent 5 months single, then decided to date.

      I met Keith in Feb 2015, engaged in April, married in July, 5th baby girl in Feb 2016.

      I’ve kinda of jumped around telling my own story out of order in blogs. Some mom posts, some marriage posts, some posts about my 5 daughters, some divorce posts.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. I wrote an entire paragraph and it’s didappeared. 😕 anybiw, when my ex husband decided to through me out on the side of the road… literally… I was crying and begging for him not to. I was embarrassing myself in public and it was utterly humilitaing. When I look back I think, “how could I have ever loved a man that could hurt someone the way he hurt me and not even look back?”. But now I see God had a different plan for me. But as I read your stories, it’s like re-living all the feelings I had right up until the final official papers went through. I feel your pain because I lived it as well. Xoxoxo

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I respectly ask that you take all of these photos of my husband off of your public site. You have no right to be writing these things. You are giving ONE side of the story you have created to get raw emotion out of people to satisfy something inside you. How disrespectful of your CURRENT husband to be writing such heartfelt words about another man.
    And how disrespectful of Him & his current family to be shaming him publicly.
    We are asking all of this be taking down & that your blog stay about YOU.

    Like

    1. Respectfully, Mrs. Breedlove, she has every right to tell her story however she sees fit. It’s her story. If you want to tell your side of the story, go for it. There’s a whole blogosphere out there. Seems like maybe she struck a nerve here. It’s ok “other woman” he won’t leave you like this….no, really.

      Liked by 5 people

    2. Names changed and photos altered. No harm meant, I mean that sincerely. I didn’t know you both read my blog or that it would matter to blog my story.

      It is my version of what happened, many details have been left out. It’s all in the past. God has enough love and forgiveness for all of us.

      Liked by 3 people

    3. She has a right to tell her story,her feelings.This is how she felt and saw it…this is her life and dam right she can tell it and I didn’t see single word about trashing him….beautifully wrote.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I stumbled on your blogs, and I have to say, I believe in three sides to every story. His, hers, and the truth. If “he” wrote a blog, I’m sure it may tell a different story, and if there was a live feed of the past, it too may show something different from both of your stories. I have been a blogger for many, many years, and one thing I know, from a descent and legal perspective, is you MUST protect the security of those you write about. You may not like them, but you have to protect them by changing their names, and NOT posting pictures of them. I am saying this from a warm place, hoping you can understand writing can be harmful to others. And again, keep in mind, you are only getting to tell your side. its great that women can relate to your story, but you should always respect the other people involved; they are in fact the people who gave you something to write about.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It is YOUR story and yours to tell. I don’t even know you, but I deeply respect you and appreciate your honesty. It hurts for people to hear other people’s truth sometimes because they probably don’t want to feel like they have done wrong things or hurt anyone. It stings. No matter. Your truth is SO beautiful. Keep writing, Emily. You are inspiring many.

    Liked by 5 people

  5. Emily, I fully support you. I think you are doing an amazing job and if she doesn’t like it she doesn’t need to read it. I know it helped me with the healing process, and clearly we are only hearing your side but no one is stopping them from telling their side. I wrote a blog post about his side, my side. And the truth you might like it, it’s in my archives. Any way I look forward to your stories because I think they are helping me heal too. Keep doing what your doing, it’s your right and freedom of speech! Xo

    Liked by 2 people

  6. To all above:
    She has every right to tell her story however she sees fit. I don’t see any discouragement in the comments to do so. I just think keeping a sense of privacy for “Demetrius” is appropriate… Which it has now been taken care of, so problem adverted.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m a huge fan of everyone’s life experiences; mainly because I grew up around so much disfunction. It shows me that shit isn’t just happening to me. I like that you set the scene, but I will admit that I worry about you hurting your husband’s feelings talking about ‘Demetrious.’ But it’s real, and it’s your story to tell. I’d be afraid to tell it, but I’m glad you’re not. I journal hard, so I know that writing a hard moment down is a great way of setting it free. You’re a GREAT storyteller, thanks for sharing. Enjoy your beautiful future with the man who picked up those eggshells. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Keith and his feelings are my priority. If he wants it gone…it’s gone. We have talked about my writing, and I’ve explained that…it’s just a sad story. It’s not how I feel now.

      People are expected to pick up their pieces quietly and privately. And I did. And I put them away until I decided I was ready to write.

      Enough time has passed. This is just a sad story at this point.

      Liked by 2 people

  8. I have a question. They married, they had a child, he left her. Why can’t she write about it and post pictures? And btw, the woman saying she is married to him, did she post her real name? Is so she outed herself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Outed myself? I came to this place not as a blogger, the only reason I read all of these was because multiple people brought to my attention that my husbands privacy had been violated & public photos had been posted without his concent.
      I had no need to conceal my identity, hopefully that clears up your snide “she outted herself” comment.

      Like

  9. Yes this is my real name, why would I not give me real name?
    I left that comment because it is not anyone’s right to use another’s name & most def not ok to post photos to the public without another’s concent.
    It was drawn to my attention that this had been happening for some time now…
    Tell your stories, show the world how you think it happened, but don’t disrespect peoples names & faces while doing it. That is not anyone’s “right”

    Thank you for making the necessary changes.
    I appreciate that….

    Like

    1. Imagine how “grossed out” you would be if you woke up to people texting you saying that your husbands name & face were plastered all over a public site…..
      Do not judge me you do not know me.
      I have said nothing to disrespect her, I came here to clear up the issue of a persons privacy being overlooked.

      Like

  10. Emily…you write from the heart of a woman who has been deeply wounded, and deeply healed. It is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your journey, and helping so many others who have faced this kind of betrayal and abandonment. May you continue to flourish and grow and be loved!! HUGS.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad that’s apparent to you. I caused a lot of hurt in my first marriage. I got very hurt in my second marriage. And I did do a lot of healing the 5 months I was single, and then so much more now with my 3rd husband.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Wow am I the only one that thinks its awesome that so many people read your blog? You posted this April 13 at some hour and she was receiving texts by 7:00 AM on the same morning regarding your writing?! Kudos to you Emily! If I blogged about anyone in Fort Smith, it would take weeks for anyone to notice 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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