You feel like everyone knows. You hate the bastards that knew all along. No one is my friend? No one could tell me? No one could kindly walk me to the exit door and discreetly whisper? No one? Thanks.
You are a deer crossing a road you’ve crossed many times before. And slam. A truck crashes into you. You never saw it coming.
I’m all right. I’m all right. Didn’t hurt that bad. Your back half is mangled. You try to convince everyone that you’ve always wanted to try walking with just your front two legs. Your friend abused his position in your life, betrayed your trust, didn’t even know they were bulldozing together and now there’s a shack being built from the scraps.
But he didn’t make you promises. She did. It hurts no matter which window you look in.
I guess everyone would prefer that you run off into the woods, to heal or die out of sight. For the love of God, don’t drag your broken ass around in plain sight; people have to look away. They can’t bear it. Eye contact is a precise arrow.
Well too damn bad. Sometimes we have nowhere to go hide, and we have to bitterly think–I’m sorry if the very sight of my existence causes awkwardness. I am alive. I’m still breathing. I don’t have the luxury of taking a month vacation. So here I am. Look away if you can’t look at me.
Ecce homo. Behold the man. Dancing the clumsy ballet of a damaged deer. And you don’t have to run into the woods. You don’t have to.
I know how it feels to find the door locked. I know how it feels to peer into the window from the outside, fogging up the glass of a house where you used to feel safe and welcome.
I know you don’t want sympathy.
So here are some songs…
“I Gave You All” Mumford & Sons
“I’ve Got Friends” Manchester Orchestra
“I taught myself how to grow old” Ryan Adams
“Crystal Ball” and “Bad Dream” Keane
“I know” Jude
“Where I stood” Missy Higgins