People are so scared of…everything. So much damn fear. It’s exhausting.

The DHS investigators came over on Wednesday, May 11. Come on in, ladies. That’s all you will ever hear when you knock at this house. It’s not scary, don’t ever concede because you think it’s scary to have DHS visit.

They were so nice, much like the other two ladies who came in August last year when another Jewel in my eye called them over. I listened to them read the allegation from Nurse Benedict about Rebekah. Okay. Well, that was certainly full of half-truths, exaggerations, and easily-disproven lies.

I had my version organized and ready to email, much like I had in August when Clara had 10-12 flea bites. One of the nice ladies fed Rebekah her bottle while I emailed them tons of facts. I’ll relay both DHS experiences in full detail soon.

The DHS ladies explained to me that 85% of the claims they investigate are completely unfounded. It’s not a shock to them, but it is a lot of red tape and paperwork. They see a lot of spite, retaliation, petty-tattling, and outright lies.

I appreciate them and their jobs, and feel sorry that so much of their time has to be spent on claims that they know aren’t legitimate.

I just wanted to encourage my friends–don’t live in fear. And also, when you know some Billie Badass has her scope zeroed in on you–document, document, document. Be an expert on your own self, and on your children. Keep a detailed factual journal…because as nice as the investigators are, it’s hard to rely on your memory alone. And documentation holds up better in court.

We thought about retaliating. You know…that’s only human nature. Find out if Dr. Dilk knows how his nurse treats patients, and if he condones it. Report them to the state medical board for a review of how they mishandled our dealings with them. Pay the $1200 charge for 3 well-child checkups in $5 a month; harassment is expensive. But, no. No. Like so many other unwarranted stabs at us, Keith and I decided to walk away from it.

They are not our concern. They deserve no such attention.

Our focus, our true concern actually IS our beautiful daughter Rebekah Ruby Kate. She’s not a rope in a tug-of-war. She’s not a bundle of numbers. She is not a diagnosis. She is in fact…our beloved baby. (Side note…she weighed 8lbs and 8oz last night. She is getting small little chub rolls by her bum. It is our hope that she will be 8lbs 10oz for her appointment with the new doctor tomorrow…3lbs over birth weight at her 3-month checkup).

We removed Rebekah from their “care” on Friday May 6, because we are seeking a second opinion (appointment is tomorrow at 11am). Nurse Benedict left our May 9 appointment on the books (as well as 3 other appointments that she kindly made for us with no communication).

I assume she didn’t cancel them in an attempt to make us look like “no show” negligent parents. The thing is…I document EVERY detail of the truth when I start seeing the target lasers all over me. I have screenshots of every call she made to us, every call we made to her, days and times and call lengths…and notes on what was discussed.

I’ve had lots of friends and family message me individually with prayers and questions and true love and concern. I appreciate every one of you, and I will give updates. I will. It may take a few days after the appointment to get her next results in, and then it may take a few more days before I have the emotional energy to talk openly. But I will update. I will.

On Wednesday and Thursday, I was MAD. And it all makes me sad, too. Such a broken, backwards world. What are people’s true motivations and thought processes? Their TRUE ones. Keith and I both seem to have been born with an innate ability to piss off annoying people. Thank God we were also born strong.

Keith and I talked it over at length. The nurse may have crowned herself our personal browbeater…but we aren’t hers. Nope. Not going to do it. Part of me wishes we would’ve recorded some of her ludicrous calls. It was like trying to talk to an angry auctioneer.

We will not bow down to anyone, except God or Christ. This angers people, but it’s not a pride war. We aren’t playing her games. And then…I have to look for a benefit of the doubt, too. I have to try to think why, and I have to force myself to think…maybe it was just some CYA? But why the obvious lies?

He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much. Luke 16:10

But it wears me out. I’m tired today. I’m tired. I’m tired of using my shield and armor to deflect. I’m tired of the bullshit, but most definitely…not defeated.

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Rebekah at 10 weeks old; she is now 13 weeks old…but alas my phone/camera is broken
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a few hours after Rebekah’s beautiful water birth

A lovely song for a tired soul…

 

“A Bad Dream”

Why do I have to fly
Over every town up and down the line?
I’ll die in the clouds above
And you that I defend, I do not love

I wake up, it’s a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I’m not the fighting kind

Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I’m a man, I was born to hate
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend

I wake up, it’s a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I’m not the fighting kind
Wouldn’t mind it
If you were by my side
But you’re long gone
Yeah you’re long gone now

Where do we go?
I don’t even know
My strange old face
And I’m thinking about those days
And I’m thinking about those days

I wake up, it’s a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I’m not the fighting kind
Wouldn’t mind it
If you were by my side
But you’re long gone
Yeah you’re long gone now 

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6 thoughts on “guess i’m not the

  1. Emily you are a very strong person in the Lord and God has got you on this you are in his hands and he will give you the wisdom to know what to do prayers for you my sweet friend and for little Rebecca

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  2. Kudos Kiddo for standing up to this obvious misdirected woman( or establishment, who knows? ). God will stand with you, who else do you really need? Love to all from a sassy aunt!

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  3. Emily,

    I myself was diagnosed with Hashimotto’s disease in my early 20’s after suffering many years with extreme fatigue, extreme anxiety, constant bouts of medical issues, and finally RLS from my thyroid being excessively high. After beginning treatment with Synthroid my life drastically changed for the better! I was able to ‘function’ again as I like to call it! I married years later and was blessed with two beautiful daughters. My second little one born in May 2015 was diagnosed with congenital hypothyroidism at 6 days of age with her levels being above 600! I immediately began researching myself and immediately went to see a Pediatric Endocrinologist for the direct facts. Normal child’s TSH levels should be below 10 , but optimal is under 5 (I know you mentioned you could not find a specific number). Sometimes initial tests could be wrong, so it is always recommended to get a follow up test to confirm that the TSH is indeed high. I personally started my child on synthroid (always use brand name…the generic levrothyroxine can vary by up to 20% off of specified label dosage from company to company) immediately. I knew after her second bloodwork came back above 600 she most certainly need Synthroid to even survive. I hope you followed up on second bloodwork tests and if the levels were high began the Synthroid. I am telling you, as a person whom suffered horribly for having a high TSH, taking Synthroid improved the quality of my life! And is now saving my little girl from a fate I would be devastated to see if it was not for Synthriod! (My little girl slept almost 20hours everyday the first month or so of her life until her levels became regulated). It was very very sad…to know she was just too tired to open her eyes. I pray your little girl is well, and taking Synthroid if her TSH levels are not in the normal range!

    God Bless

    Janine

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    1. Her levels were 8.18 and 8.28 at 13 and 16 weeks. We did decide to start her on a low dose of 25mcg at 16 weeks. Her highest level ever was 38, which sounded incredibly high to me at first…but when I read message boards of babies with levels in the hundreds and many times over a thousand, I kept it all in perspective.

      Her condition was and is relatively mild. She stayed at 25mcg for 10 weeks (TSH around 1), then 12.5mcg for 9 weeks (levels all stable), then cycled off completely for 7 weeks…but TSH was at 11.5 after that, so she has been back on 12.5mcg for about 3 weeks.

      Her endo still thinks she will maybe/probably be off by 2.5 years old. But we can’t really tell any difference, better or worse, when she is on or off. It’s all just the numbers. She did seem to gain weight better, grow more hair, and hit more milestones the 7 weeks she was off it…but could’ve just been coincidences.

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