Ten

Ten

Go away. I need some space. 

Ten minutes. I need ten minutes. It’s a rule I came up with. Just leave me alone for ten minutes. And I will write 10 things you do right or 10 things I love about you. 

And I will write 10 things I do wrong, 10 of my faults and weaknesses that I know I need to work on. 

I promise I’ll be a different person in 10 minutes.  And if you will just do it too. I promise you will be different too. Thankful and humble, we can both remember how.

Sure, we know how to be mean. How to be independent. How to do it all alone. How to be selfish. How to stab love in the face. We know how. We know how to knock each other to the ground. How to grind faces in dirt. 

Do we know how to help each other back up? How to clean each other off? Dress wounds?

You want to name off all my faults? It won’t be hard. I have a lot of them. Think I don’t know them? But if you can just remember that I get a lot of important things right too, and I know you do too. If you can just give me 10 minutes to myself…I just might remember that you are my dream guy. 

…or close enough. 

I’ve never been good about being the first one to apologize. Go ask all my exes. But guess what? I love proving everyone wrong, in true eff-you fashion. Watch me do things you all think I can’t do. 

You…

1. You open my door. Even when we are in the middle of a fight. Even when it’s raining. You open it and you stand there, and how am I supposed to stay mad? Should I open the door to the backseat and climb in?

2. You work your ass off. Like…to the point of me worrying you’re going to fall over, and I’m going to panic and rush to you, and you’re going to jump back up, “I’m not dead, back it up…” And then you will go back to sweating and working. 

3. You don’t complain. Life is so often the same monotonous battles…work, messes, obligations. You tackle them with determination and dedication and loyalty that are so admirable. 

4. You are a great dad. Watching you with Rebekah is enough to warm my heart in its coldest states. You adore her. She adores you. 

5. You are a great stepdad. You do things like give my girls money and drive them to go movies for no reason…you don’t make them work for 6 hours first. 

6. You’re a great cook. Bratwursts, spaghetti, burritos, stroganoff… except for that glazed ham that you burnt, you keep coming up roses. Remember it? We scraped the crusty shit off and ate the good parts. Well…yeah. I can scrape the crusty shit off you too. And you can scrape mine off. 

7. You can fix anything…and do. My sink, my van, my landscaping, my dryer vent, my heart…

8. You make me feel beautiful. I’m at my personal low point of physical attractiveness. But no one who talks to you would know that. You think everyone wants me, which is hilarious…and super sweet. 

9. You forgive me. I know how to fight…really well, too well. And you don’t take my crap. Good. And you forgive my mistakes. Thank you. 

10. You kiss me and touch me with loving tenderness. Not every guy loves like that, but it’s what I want. 

Me…

1. I cry about everything. When I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m mad, when I’m touched, when I’m nostalgic, when I’m embarrassed…when I watch a dog food commercial. It can’t be easy to deal with someone like that. 

2. I’m stubborn as hell. Sometimes, I will hold onto a grudge even when I know I’m wrong…just because no one can make me let it go. 

3. Sometimes I spend money I don’t have. You know those carnival people who spin plates on sticks? And then they add another one…? Yeah that’s me and my budget sometimes. Spin spin spin. I got this. I can balance a stick on this other foot and…

4. I’m never wrong. I’m not easily convinced of anything. I can and will debate anyone. And I am very good at it, which…can be bad. I can wear a man down. Maybe that’s the same as stubborn…

5. I keep a list of wrongs. I don’t even know I do this until the next fight. And then my mouth will say all kinds of things that I didn’t even realize I had hidden in a dark corner in my heart. 

6. I can be so mean. I can poison a dart and shoot it with sick precision. 

7. I have very little discretion. I hide very little…for better or worse. 

8. I need to lose weight. I’m the heaviest I’ve been in a long time. But I’ll flip a switch and drop it soon. 

9. I can be lazy. How many days do I dump my laundry on the bed, hoping I’ll put it all away? …and then move it all back to the basket at bed time?

10. I can be insensitive. I usually know when you need a kind word, and I don’t always give it. 

Do you think I don’t know? I’m damn lucky to have you. And you’re a damn saint for putting up with me. Think I can’t say I’m sorry first? Well, as usual you’re wrong and I’m right. I can do it.  

I’m sorry, Keith. 

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Wait. Wait. Wait. 

Wait. Wait. Wait. 

And so we wait…

I remember hearing or reading about an eagle’s molting process. I will have to look it up when I have more time. 

I think I remember that an eagle goes off and plucks its feathers and is not able to fly for maybe five months…?

My mind seems to remember imagery of a fast, violent dive into water, too, maybe…

Forgive Anyway

Forgive Anyway

No apology. And I decided to burn both posts anyway. I also forgive you both. I do. I get it.

And if you want to say something to me, just come to me without a mask and say it. I’m actually a decent person

A person. A real person with skin and stuff. I’m not words. I’m a person. 

🎧”Tryin hard to maintain, then go ‘head cause I ain’t mad atcha”🎧

“And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves,

And said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.” ‭Matthew‬ ‭21:12-13‬ ‭KJV‬‬

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalms‬ ‭51:10‬ ‭KJV‬‬

“No lion shall be there, nor any ravenous beast shall go up thereon, it shall not be found there; but the redeemed shall walk there:” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭35:9‬ ‭KJV‬‬

  

“It is as sport to a fool to do mischief: but a man of understanding hath wisdom.” Proverbs‬ ‭10:23‬ ‭KJV‬‬

“Into thine hand I commit my spirit: thou hast redeemed me, O Lord God of truth.” Psalms‬ ‭31:5‬ ‭KJV‬‬

“If I alone bear witness about myself, my testimony is not true.

There is another who bears witness about me, and I know that the testimony that he bears about me is true…

…He was a burning and shining lamp, and you were willing to rejoice for a while in his light.” John‬ ‭5:31-32, 35‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Thirst

Thirst

I need to fart. But I’m not going to. I’m not going to make one movement or sound. I’m not going to give you the  satisfaction of knowing I’m awake. Would that even be a satisfaction? I don’t know. But you aren’t getting it. 

My feet are throbbing like two tell-tale hearts. How am I supposed to go to sleep feeling them pulse and ache so hard I can almost hear them? I think about my thin-soles slamming against the pavement over and over. I should’ve worn thick socks and shoes with good support. What the hell? Why am I laying here awake to think about this dumb crap?

I fantasize. What about? Putting my feet into a bucket of ice water. That’s what. I think about the veins contracting and the blood slowing. First it would be needles, then fine. Then fantastic. I love ice baths. I love doing anything severe and quick, as long as it works. I squirt vinegar in my own eyes to stop them from itching. I know I could cut off my own arm if it got stuck and smashed like in 127 Hours

I lay here and know things about myself. You don’t even know me. I think that thought often when I’m mad. Who are you? You don’t know me.

I hear you come into the room, doing stuff and moving things. I am a statue. I am sleeping soundly without a care in the world…because fuck you, that’s why. You can’t ruin my sleep. 

You walk around. I hear the unmistakable sound of a glass quietly rattling as it’s set on the marbletop of my bedside table, right in front of my face. I hear you walk. I feel the bed shift around as you get in. Do you feel that ice I’m shooting out my back at you?

I try to swallow, but my mouth is too dry. I open one eye so barely and see a full glass through my eyelashes. I wasn’t even thirsty. Now I’m dying. I will drink my own pee first. 

You cannot come home and pick a fight with me. You can’t say whatever you want to me. You must have me confused with someone. It ain’t me. I’m not the girl who takes that. I could cut off my own arm. Do you even know that about me? No. You don’t know me.

Are you–…seriously? Seriously?! Who can go to sleep on cue, I mean…hit pillow and 5-4-3-2-SNORE??  Oh, hell no.

I thrash about and pretend to roll over. I hear your breathing change to awake. Ha! That’s right. NO ONE in this bed is going to sleep. I pretend that I am though. 

You lean over and kiss my neck. I can’t help but like that. Your warm tongue, your whiskers scratching. But you don’t get to know I like it. We don’t get to skip to this scene. 

I throw the blankets off. I will go get my OWN damn water MYSELF. Stomp, stomp, stomp.

I just wanted…I don’t know. Maybe in some small way you could’ve just. I want to be your hero, Keith. And like you just come home and wrap your arms around me and sing, “Wind Beneath My Wings.” And I giggle–no, no…stop; it was nothing. And you say–no Emily. I mean it–thank you. You are my hero. 

That’s all.

But you want this? Fine. We can do this. 

Just so you know. I am up here, still awake, laying on not-my-bed, warm tears rolling and pooling in my ears. 

And…I’m sorry.